Kiki: Does it make me a bad person that I have about a 3% interest in the Olympics?
Alan: No.
Kiki: Well, that’s not true, I have more of a 6% interest. There are a couple of events I like to watch, like figure skating and rhythmic dancing.
Alan: You are the most stereotypical girl ever.
Kiki: What?!
Alan: Generally speaking, you’re not very stereotypical. But in this case, you are the most stereotypical girl ever.
Kiki: Whatever. What events do you like?
Alan: I like the weird ones, personally.
Kiki: Like curling?
Alan: No, like the biathalon. Skiing and shooting.
Kiki: WHAT?!
Alan: Yeah, they ski around and then they stop and shoot rifles for awhile.
Kiki: You’re making this up.
Alan: No, it really exists.
Kiki: It makes no sense. Biathalon means like running and swimming. -athalon means there has to be running.
Alan: Wikipedia: “… biathlon usually refers specifically to the winter sport that combines cross-country skiing and rifle shooting.”
Kiki: ?!
Alan: What about the pentathalon? “The events are epee fencing, pistol shooting, 200 m freestyle swimming, a show jumping course on horseback, and a 3 km cross-country run.”
Kiki: What?! So it’s basically the James Bond event?
Alan: Yeah, basically.

cupcake: when you get home check the freezer
cupcake: there’s something there for you

She received the following message yesterday:

Mystery Texter: Its a girl

Cupcake: I think you have the wrong number!

Mystery Texter: Nope its marcy

Cupcake: I dont know a marcy! im cupcake

Mystery Texter: Sorry

All I ever get is: VERIZON WIRELESS. FOR $9.99 A MONTH EXPERIENCE VZ NAVIGATOR.

Kiki: I’m having mixed feelings about this new song I like.
Alan: What are your mixed feelings?
Kiki: I can’t decide if it’s misogynistic or not. “If you needed love, well then ask for love./Could have given love, but now I’m taking love./And it’s not my fault, because you both deserve what’s coming now, so don’t say a word.” But that’s not the major problem.
Alan: What’s the major problem?
Kiki: I don’t know if I’m supposed to be embarrassed about liking a Maroon 5 song or not.
Alan: Why would you be embarrassed?
Kiki: I don’t know, it’s pop music.
Alan: You like Britney Spears and you’re worried about Maroon 5 being embarrassing???

Misogyny or not, I looooove this fake action movie video. It’s like 24 meets Live Free or Die Hard meets Domino meets Casino Royale meets… strippers? Love this song, love Adam Levine, and love the general kickassery of it all!

Scene: The car. We were returning home from an event where wheat grass juice had been served.

Kiki’s Stepdad: Once I went to a lecture given by a practitioner of holistic medicine, and she mentioned that you can take wheat grass in both ends.
Kiki: Like… laxatives?
Kiki’s Stepdad: Uh, enemas.
Kiki (grumbling to no one in particular): You hippies take your damn patchouli incense and get out of here.
Kiki’s Mom: I don’t think hippies were into enemas. (Pause.) Or rather, I don’t think enemas were into hippies.

A Phone Conversation
cupCAKE: I brought up the Puppy Bowl in class today.
Kiki: I can’t believe you didn’t know what it was. Neither did Alan! What’s wrong with you people?
cupCAKE: So this girl in my class mentioned how when she’s sad, she looks at cute animal pictures to cheer her up.
Kiki: You don’t?
cupCAKE: You do?
Kiki: I can’t believe you don’t!
cupCAKE: So anyway, I told her she should go to Cute Overload next time she needs to get her cute animal fix.
Kiki: She didn’t know about Cute Overload?!
cupCAKE: No.
Kiki: I can’t believe you don’t look at pictures of cute animals when you’re sad, and I can’t believe that someone who does doesn’t know about Cute Overload.

What is this world coming to?! Before we go any further, I need to know where we stand:

Subtle Difference
cupCAKE: This guy I work with is pretty cute.
Kiki: Really?
cupCAKE: Yeah, except I think he’s married.
Kiki: Then he’s way too old for you anyway.
cupCAKE: I can appreciate him aesthetically, though.
Kiki: Let me look him up online. Maybe he has a website! With photos!
cupCAKE: I could just take a cell phone picture of him.
Kiki: No! That would be stalking!

kiki: eeeeeeeeee harry potter 7 comes out july 21!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
cupCAKE: harry potter?
cupCAKE: i don’t want it to end!!!!!!
cupCAKE: i hope she writes MORE
cupCAKE: more more more
kiki:
cupCAKE: this is why i don’t do drugs
kiki: hahaha
cupCAKE: because i’m the type
cupCAKE: who would get ADDICTED
kiki: me too
kiki: i think if i start drinking
kiki: i would be an alcoholic the next day
kiki: not only do i have an addictive personality, i also have OCD, and a need to feel a sense of completion
kiki: so i’d be all “THIS BOTTLE HAS 3 SHOTS LEFT I NEED TO EMPTY IT”
cupCAKE: so you would have to drink the whole bottle huh?
cupCAKE: it’s the same with my video class
cupCAKE: i’m ocd about it
cupCAKE: and i keep capturing more and more
cupCAKE: like that’s why i think we’re similar
cupCAKE: when we get into hobbies we’ll shell out lotsa money on our interests
cupCAKE: because of our addicting personalities

cupCAKE: this girl to my left has her headphones on and my professor is still talking
cupCAKE: and i’m talking to you
cupCAKE: i wonder what everyone else is doing as he talks
cupCAKE: i was also watching a youtube video
kiki: hahahahaha
kiki: so naughty
cupCAKE: i knowwwww
kiki: don’t giggle audibly though! don’t type too loudly!
cupCAKE: but your personality is so addicting

Dear Mr. Emerson,

So you and I, we have something in common. We have the same phone number. Or at least, I have your old phone number, and you have a string of telemarketers calling you all the time.

I don’t know what you did, but these people want you bad. Owe some people some money, maybe? Whatever it is, they won’t take no for an answer.

Back in August, I used to tell them that they had the wrong number. I even signed up on the Do Not Call List. For a little while, the calls stopped, and I figured I had finally rent our bond assunder.

Now the calls have started up again. I ask them to take our mutual phone number off their lists, but it falls on deaf ears. It’s getting to the point where I want to just tell them you’re dead, but that seems unnecessarily hardcore. Plus, then they might want to stick me with whatever debts you left behind after you vacated this number.

So please, pay these people their money. Or at least let them know you changed your number. I mean, dude, I did a reverse look-up on this number and it lists you. Sure, it’s a pretty great number. It only contains five digits, some of them repeating. The nice AT&T lady went out of her way to find us an easy-to-remember one, and it rolls off the tongue quite nicely.

Just let it be mine, okay? You’ve had your time with it. I have not been taking any messages for you, so don’t even ask.

Irritatedly yours,
Kiki

Procrastinators extraordinaire, we dared to brave the mall today, which was surprisingly low-key considering it’s the day before the biggest capitalist holiday of the year. We I actually had a lot of fun, because we ate at a Japanese retaurant for lunch (let’s hear it for sit-down Japanese restaurants in malls!), and I got to go to the Sanrio store. I think what this means is that if I were a ninth grade boy, I’d be reading manga, watching anime, and staring at posters of big-breasted cyborgs all day long. But since I’m not a ninth grade boy, I ate sushi and bought cute kawaii stickers instead.

The Japanese steak house was great, because the food was served hibachi-style, which is pretty much the FUNNEST DINING EXPERIENCE EVER. You sit around a grill and get to watch as the chef dextrously flips his utensils in the air, sets stuff on fire, and generally amazes you with his grilling skillz. The best part was when he stacked a series of onion rings into a pyramid, squirted a bunch of flammable stuff inside the top, and then lit it on fire, creating a huge mushroom cloud of 4′ flames. SWEET!

Anyway, after the chef had done his thing and left the table, my sister turned to me. “You know,” she said, “if I were twelve years younger, I would have formed an emotional attachment to that man. I would have been sad when he left.” She paused, then added, “I still felt it a little.”

Later, as we were shopping, I kept my eyes peeled for something for my mom. My mother, you see, was not very helpful when we asked what she wanted for Christmas this year. She either wanted the mortgage paid off, or socks. Socks it was! I found a crazy, multi-colored pair that looked and felt like it had been made from a Muppet’s pelt. “Do you think she’d wear this?” I asked cupCAKE skeptically.

“It’s like a mullet,” cupCAKE explained. “Business in front, party in your shoes.”

kikisdemolition: hey cutecake!
cupCAKE: hey!!!!!
kikisdemolition: how are you?
cupCAKE: good!!! i got 7 hours of sleep two nights in a row!!!!
cupCAKE: which was awesome
cupCAKE: but i’m really tired now
cupCAKE: i think my body is getting used to sleep!
cupCAKE: which i wasn’t predicting!
cupCAKE: i thought it would just be like karma points
cupCAKE: not something i’d have to keep up