In my life, I have sewn two things:

• a really ugly pillow that was supposed to look like a computer but really looked like an accordian (thanks, 6th grade home ec class)
• buttons back onto pants

Despite my complete lack of knowledge, skill, or experience, I have decided to undertake two sewing projects.

+
This shirt pattern + This fabric

+
This purse pattern + These fabrics

When you first begin sewing, you’re supposed to practice on cheap fabric until you get the hang of it. Apparently this wisdom is lost on me, as I’ve already spent over $50 on fabric.

Fashion police, watch out!

My mom (rubbing her cheeks): I have sore lumps in my cheeks. You ever get that?
Me: Like swollen lymph nodes or something? Do you think it’s from your cold?
My mom: Maybe.
My stepdad: Maybe they’re adnoids?
My mom: They’re not adnoids. They took those out when they removed my tonsils. (To my stepdad) Do you still have your tonsils?
My stepdad: No, they took them out.
Me: I still have mine! I’m the winner at this table!
My mom: Let’s play a game! How many body parts have you lost?
My stepdad: My tonsils.
Me: Wisdom teeth!
My stepdad: I think they took out three of my wisdom teeth.
My mom: I had an ovary and a Fallopian tube removed.
Me: Man, you win.
My stepdad: My gall bladder is gone.
My mom: Once I sliced off a part of my finger.
My stepdad: What about your toes?
My mom: They didn’t take any of those off. But I did have bunions removed! But they don’t count.
Me: I had my ears pierced! Does that count?
My mom: (To my stepdad) Aren’t you missing some teeth?
My stepdad: No… well, yeah.
Me: Wait a second! The dog had his testicles removed! I think he wins. His probably hurt more.
My mom: Yeah! Plus his tail.* Oh, and his dewclaws!
Me: The dog totally wins. Although it’s pretty close there between you and the dog.

Note: This is a pretty fun game to play. I imagine it would work equally well at a party. It helps if you’ve had something weird removed, though. Otherwise you’re going to get your ass kicked.

(* Our dog’s tail is docked, which is sad, but we never had any say in the matter.)

Unexpectedly Awesome:

• 2% Milk! I’ve been using Skim for so long that I was startled by how thick, creamy, and delicious 2% is. Gimme those fats! At first you’ll be a little alarmed by the way it plops instead of pours, but once you can get past that initial shock, you’re in for a treat!

Fun Games for Easily Amused People:

• Slice a banana for your cereal with your teeth, not your knife.

Conference call to my sister in Costa Rica
Kiki: Oh hey, how’s your tattoo healing?
Our mom: What?!
Cupcake: Not too well, but I got a new one last night.
Our mom: You girls are bad to trick your poor mother.
Cupcake: It still hurts to sit down, though.

In other news:

• The frequency of my blog posting is inversely proportional to the time remaining until my paper deadline.
• 3 pages to go!

If office supplies give you goo-goo eyes and make your heart go pitter patter, then you may enjoy Levenger, purveyor of ridiculously extravagant folios, pens, personalized index cards, and monogrammed leather wallets designed specifically to hold your Post-It flags. “Ooh, a $68 leather stapler,” I chirped as I thumbed through the virtual catalog. It’s one of many products guaranteed to enhance your “deskscape.” The catalog copy reads like a Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous episode about Office Max, and one of the magnifying glasses offers “versatile decipherability.” If you like paper pr0n, you won’t want to miss this.

Oops. Back to writing my paper. (Even though I’d be able to write it so much better if I had a Circa paper punch to professionally bind the pages. How am I supposed to get an A if I have to staple the pages together? Without the $68 leather stapler, I mean.)

I’m currently waiting for Alan to arrive with our delicious, delicious sandwiches from the yummy deli near his office. They have this amazing honey mustard that is so spicy that it gives me a sharp pain in the back of my skull, if you can believe it. It’s that good.

Ring, ring.
Kiki: Hi Lunch Man.
Alan: Hey, I’m at the deli. Which sandwich do you want?
Kiki: THE CHEESE MASTER.
Alan: How about the Cheese Lover instead? Provolone, Swiss, and Cheddar.
Kiki: I’d rather call it THE CHEESE MASTER.
Alan (ignoring me): What do you want on it?
Kiki: Lettuce, tomato, onion, and that honey mustard that hurts the back of my head.
Alan: Do they have different kinds of honey mustard?
Kiki: I don’t think so, but make sure it’s the one that burns your soul.
Alan: Okay, Cheese Lover with lettuce, tomato, onion, and honey mustard.
Kiki: …THAT BURNS YOUR SOUL.
Alan: What?
Kiki: The honey mustard that burns your soul.
Alan: Okay, the honey mustard that burns my skin.
Kiki (insistent): Your SOUL.
Alan: What?
Kiki: It’s fine.

Can you believe he still brought me a sandwich? Can you believe he still puts up with me?

PAPER WRITING UPDATE
I was going to do some writing at Alan’s house but first I needed to get settled. Needless to say, his house is now SPOTLESS.