So apparently Martha OMNIMEDIA has a new magazine, Blueprint, which seems geared toward my demographic. You can order a free issue on the website. Normally I don’t go for free things with elaborate opt-out procedures (like writing “cancel” on the bill [too lazy, too much room for forgetfulness]), but this magazine seemed possibly worth the trouble. In fact, maybe I’d even subscribe.

What sold me is the article on enlargement wall art. You scan smallish stuff and get it printed at poster size. The examples they used were playing cards, a picture of a pet, and an antique envelope. (I was going to show some examples from the website, but the multiple-page “Terms of Use” and “Copyright” parts of her website freaked me out a little. I’m too lovable to go to jail.)

The article also suggests using old report cards. I’ve got a preschool report card around somewhere that talks about how I need to practice my somersaults or something. That would be a good one.

What a great idea! Three cheers for making magazines for the Kiki demographic!

Need a tea cozy? How about a tissue box cozy? Maybe a [pop/beer] can* cozy? I’ve got yarn and crochet hooks, and I’m armed and dangerous.

* I thought about calling it a soda can cozy, but it’s my website and I get to use whatever regional terminology I want. Boo-yaa! (For a good time, try to figure out how to spell boo-yaa using urbandictionary.com. “Booyow” “booyeah” “booyao”! The possibilities are endless! I went with boo-yaa because 70 urbandictionary voters can’t be wrong.)

My mom gave me Debbie Stoller’s The Happy Hooker, and I’ve been trying to learn how to crochet. For a few weeks it’s been a burning obsession, and I’ve treated it that same way I’ve treated all my previous burning obsessions. Instead of actually doing something, I’ve read every website under the sun about it.

But the time came for action! Two days ago, I finally made some lopsided swatches.

These ought to be framed because I have two left thumbs. I get very perplexed by diagrams, which is why origami is a lost cause for me. I’ll never understand the dotted lines versus the solid lines versus the arrows. I can make a cup/hat and a swan, and I call that a rousing success. For me to actually decipher a two-dimensional representation of a three-dimensional concept … all I can say is BOO-YAA!

Yesterday I tried to make the obligatory/ubiquitous granny square (helpful tip: don’t google granny square video), but when I kept screwing up, I threw caution to the wind and tried to make a flower. And it WORKED! I actually made something that someone other than me can maybe identify as a flower. Then I made a few more. I discovered that I’m a flower-making savant! An idiot savant, maybe, but a savant nonetheless. Check my skillz!

I MADE THAT! (Don’t mind the LUMPY and LOPSIDED parts. They’re totally intentional.)

Alas, as soon as I had discovered my inner genius, I misplaced it. I’m very fascinated by the otama, partially because I can’t figure out what it is. A fish? A tadpole?

(Pictures filched from www.otama.tv)

They’re oddly hilarious in an every-one-is-identical-yet-totally-different sort of way. This mystical pagan otama ritual especially cracked me up:

I guess you make a bunch of otama (otamas?) and take artistic photos of them. And use them for games of catch. Or something. It’s too Japanese for me to understand, which is exactly why I love it so. Seeing how AWESOME I was at making flowers, I thought I’d give an otama a whirl. DUN DUN DUN!

You know how you’re supposed to have this warm, fuzzy feeling about things you handmade, no matter how screwed up they are? I’m not like that. I want perfection. I want it to look MACHINE-MADE. My otama is totally messed up. That probably won’t prevent me from buying Otama Life, though! For a good time, check out Flickr’s otamas, or Google’s.

The best part of learning crochet was when Alan bravely offered to try the double crochet stitch with me. When I’d get totally baffled, he could divine the secrets of the yarn, as long as I referred to his crochet hook as his crochete (”Pronounced like machete,” he’d remind me). Does the fact that it was Friday night make us l0sers or ROCKSTARS?

(For interested happy hookers, clickie for the patterns: blue flower (scroll down to Small Flower), green flower, white flower, otama. The pink flower is from the Garden Scarf in The Happy Hooker.

Movies Kiki Saw While Visiting Alan for 2 Weeks, in Descending Order of Awesomeness

Friends with Money: I like stories with lots of characters whose lives intersect. This movie made me want to compulsively collect Lancôme samples.
Thank You for Smoking: Pretty funny, sarcastic movie. The dude’s rhetoric is great. I also liked seeing the Bride of Scientology in a naughty, unwholesome role.
Take the Lead: I’m sorry, I really am, but I can’t get enough of these dance movies. I’ve seen most of the ones that have come out in the last 5 years. I mean, ballroom + hip-hop! What’s not to love? If you make a movie about an aspiring dancer who has to incorporate square dance into her routine in order to succeed, I’ll see it. Even though it’s all the same movie, over and over again, I’m the one in the audience tapping my foot to the beat. Needless to say, I saw this one alone.
Tom Yum Goong: Stars Tony Jaa, the amazing Muay Thai martial artist in Ong-bak. Plus: baby elephant! Awww! (Educational note: apparently Muay Thai is a.k.a. the “Science of Eight Limbs.”)
Escape from New York: The real kicker of this movie is the fact that Kurt Russell’s character is named Snake. Consequently, when he clambered aboard a Gulfstream glider, I got to gleefully announce “Snake on a Plane!”
Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels: Everyone and their brother loves this movie but I had trouble keeping the characters straight. It required too much concentration to understand their funny accents, too. Just call me an Anglophobe.
Tristram Shandy: A Cock and Bull Story: Wins the award of hardest-to-remember title. I let Alan pay for this one to punish him for calling me a hooker fairly loudly in the not-deserted parking lot.*
Lucky Number Slevin: I liked the wallpaper in this movie. Every room had awesome wallpaper. Other than that, not much to say about this one. I started getting antsy.

* Although, it was an accurate epithet. I’ve been trying to learn how to crochet lately, and the “hooker” thing amuses Alan. Also, it’s really only fair, because prior to going to the movie, I dragged him to Jo-ann’s for the umpteenth time so I could hem and haw over yarn and crochet hooks.

Feel like you should read some British Chick Lit, but don’t have the time? Allow me to summarize all BritChickLit for you. This equation has been exhaustively tested by the 4 BritChickLit books I’ve read.

Summary of All British Chick Lit Books
The main character is a lovable if ditzy girl in her mid-20s, working some dead-end publishing job. A whimsical imagination and a fanciful if impractical approach to life make her days bearable. She meets some highfalutin guy (usually a lawyer) whom she despises because he’s always so somber/disgruntled/snooty. In the course of hating the highfalutin guy, she meets a charming guy she instantly likes. It turns out that he sucks, though. In her ditzy bumbling, she uncovers some Big Story and inadvertantly becomes a famous reporter. It’s only then that she realizes she’s madly in love with the highfalutin guy, and vice versa, and they live happily ever after.

P.S. The hate-the-fancy-guy-originally-but-eventually-love-him plot applies to old Brit Chick Lit, too, like Pride and Prejudice. At least, I think so. I haven’t personally read it, but I have seen two movie adaptions, which therefore makes me a bit of an expert.

Since that was so easy, I’ll provide a guide to American Chick Lit for your convenience. This summary has been carefully tested for accuracy with 3.5 books. (One of them was so blah I could only get halfway through it.)

Summary of All American Chick Lit Books
The main character is an ambitious girl in her mid-20s. She yearns to make it to the big time, and applies for a job (variation: an internship) at a prestigious, glamorous place, usually a fashion magazine. She lands the job of her dreams, but there’s a catch: her boss is an extremely demanding overlordess. The main character quickly loses sight of her priorities while trying to appease the she-devil, and gives up more and more of her personal life in order to accommodate the boss’s unreasonable demands. Pretty soon she’s working 23/7. She loses all of her friends and also misses some big family event like her brother’s wedding. In the last 10 pages, the main character has finally had enough of doing the boss’s bidding (the latte that broke the camel’s back, so to speak), and quits her job. While some aspects of her life will never be the same again (she forever loses one of her friends), the rest slowly starts to fall back into place. With her new, hard-earned perspective, she vows to always remember what’s important in life.

There you have it. Two instant book deals. Feel free to use as you see fit, and when the money starts rolling in, I won’t protest if you send me a cut. Just please don’t ask me to read it.

The sun set. That’s all she wrote. The fat lady sang. The saints came marching in.

It’s the end of an era.

My Amazon Prime trial membership is over. And I’m sad. (Not sad enough to pay $79 to renew it, mind you, but still sad.) To comfort myself in my time of loss, I looked at my order history. For your intense voyeuristic pleasure, I present to you:

Things Kiki Bought Because She Had Free Two-Day Shipping

Psychoanalysis of Kiki’s Order History

Amazon Prime, I enjoyed every moment of our ill-fated affair. You’re almost worth $79. But not quite.

Fondly,
Kiki
Former Amazon Prime Member

P.S. It was kind of mean how Amazon flat out told me that by cancelling my trial membership, I’d never be invited for a free trial again. Amazon does NOT like to be dumped. Way to kill all hope, Amazon.
P.P.S. Things cupCAKE Bought Because Kiki Had Free Two-Day Shipping